I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
