just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
