party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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