My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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