I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
