Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize