an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
