I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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