I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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