Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
