I just made out with a guy for $7.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
