I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm too high and old for this...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
