she was so not down for the gang bang
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
