The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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