Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
