after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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