I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
