her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
