i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
