Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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