He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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