I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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