meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
