i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
