I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
