haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
