I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
