i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
