Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
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