If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
