good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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