ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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