if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
