Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
