me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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