hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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