I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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