It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
