NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
