So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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