Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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