I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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