mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
