everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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