I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
