I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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