I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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