just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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