he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
