i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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