literally had 100 drinks last night.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
