i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize