I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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