If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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