maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
