Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
