Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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