Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
